Forgiveness Sucks

 I've been hurt before. It's not really anything new when you talk to someone. Everyone has had something said something to them or had something been done to them that hurt them in some way. Growing up, you just learn that it's a part of life right? They say that the people closest to you hurt you the most. I have had relationships that the physical abuse was better than the emotional abuse. I would have rather had it that way. The emotional abuse cuts your body in a certain way that you can't explain. The cold that you feel all over. The sharp pain that you can feel in the middle of your spine. You feel like you're choking on the air your're trying breathe.  I would sit on the floor and wish that the yelling would turn into needles. I would rather have a thousand needles hitting me on my skin than those words getting deeper into my soul. 

I didn't realize that it wouldn't stop when the relationships ended. It became a piece in every relationship. The calm and rational conversations with my roommate about cleaning the house became thoughts of how unworthy I was. I would watch non-verbal communication and it would become this giant puzzle in my head of what did I do. I wish they would hit me instead of treat me like this. I can handle physical pain. I had learned to breathe at the right time so I could hold my breath and the pain wouldn't be as bad. You can't do that with words. I can't breathe away the pain. I can't breathe away the thoughts that it triggers. There are no numbing agents for that kind of pain. 

The only thing worse than the pain that the words create, is the pain from the words you don't say. Being ignored or looked over. Being walked away from. Being forgotten. 

Forgiveness sucks. Are you just supposed to get over it? Living numb to the things that hurt me? 

I have always blamed myself for everything. I don't like confrontation. I never have. I'd rather take the blame than someone be mad at me that they got in trouble. Is that the way it is with forgiveness? Because I'm forgiven by God that I "forgive" others? Is it like in the movies where a couple fights and they both go to apologize at the same time? "it was my fault", "no, it was mine". Both people take the blame? Is that how life is? Someone hurts you but is it your fault that you didn't speak up or you're being too sensitive about the situation, so really it's your fault that "you" hurt yourself?  When does it end? Is it ever someone else's fault for hurting you? Is the past record always going to be playing in the background? Is there always going to be moments that trigger a random "I'm sorry". 

I have taken your pain upon my shoulders. I have taken the words and turned them to beauty. Let my words become triggers. Meditate on my unfailing love. Forgive yourself as I have forgiven you. The truth will set you free. Lean in to the truth of who you are.