Serving in the Shadows

 Have you been a part of something and you can look back and say "this is what saved my life". It was the third night of my first conference that I created by myself. The room was pitch black, there were 300 kids in the front of the room raising their hands. The song went to the bridge and all the instruments stopped playing and all you could hear were the voices. It was a magical moment. It was the moment I look back on when I forget what I'm doing here. I had been doing events for about 3 years. I started helping my friend Trina doing little tasks like going shopping for stuff, creating documents, lists, game ideas, just little stuff. I watched her intensely for months work tirelessly over these "parties". She was a pastor, an admin, and put together these magical moments. 

I loved parties. I've always been an outgoing person and loved being around people, so these events felt like I could breathe again, like I was seen. I was a big partier in high school and college. It was a safe space around people. I was standing in the middle of this one party in Boise and I looked around and in one moment, I didn't feel seen, I couldn't breathe. I didn't know if my "friends" would know if I was gone, or if I left would they even care. These parties were supposed to be where people get together and build something... a relationship, friendships, fun, or happiness. I didn't feel anything. 

My last event that I did in Nampa was a summer church camp. I've done at least 5 or 6 of these and this was my "last goodbye". I knew I was moving to Spokane at the end of the year. I don't remember that camp. I don't remember anything from it. My friends had left, my pastors had left, and I was working tirelessly on an event that was supposed to be my last moment. I wasn't seen. I didn't feel like I was breathing. I was broken on the inside but couldn't show it. I was told things that were hurtful and couldn't respond or react. I had learned to not react my whole life. Don't flinch, don't twitch your eyes, don't even swallow. This is how you'd survive.

Moving to Spokane was my fresh start. I was around people that saw the real me and still loved me. My closest friends and mentors. I knew this was going to be a magical place. When we got the church up and running, we'd need someone to join the admin team and we'd need these grand events to reach people. This was my time. For years this is what I'd dreamed of. This was my calling. I knew that starting the church and hiring a staff person would take a while. I worked three jobs to pay for rent but I still made time to serve the church. That was the main thing right? No matter what, always serve the church. If there was nothing left to give, you can always give your time. I'd show up to the offices at 11pm after working two jobs all day and spend 3 or 4 hours making new steps books. These books were going to go into the hands of people joining us in our mission to reach the people of Spokane. I was doing something that meant something. I was starting to breathe again. 

These small moments of breathing saved my life. It made me feel like I was soaring. I didn't care if I was up on stage. Every thing that I had done for months had built up to these moments. The things that no one had seen. No one was there in the church while I set up decor or the hours that I spent folding shirts just right, or the nights I spent printing and binding books. I'd walk the halls making sure that there wasn't anything on the ground. I'd spend hours vacuuming the carpet, taping lines on the ground, making camp bags filled with journals, pens, and shirts. Making lists of things that I needed to do the next day when no one was there. I served in the shadows for years. I was never the center of attention and I liked it that way. It was like the Elves and the Shoemaker. People would come in the next morning and all the shoes would be fixed and set up ready for the day. I was an Elf and it made me soar. 

The bad thing about being in the shadows is that people don't know that it's you. It's just done. When there's someone else that comes to work that is not a "shadow server", they take over the light. They are tasked with the things that I did. They have the time during the day, so theres nothing for me to do at the end of the day and little by little, they've forgotten that I was even there. I thought that this was great at the beginning. I could take time to myself, I could work on the things that I've never had time to do.... but I wasn't breathing. 

I haven't felt like I've been breathing for years. It's like moving into the city after living your life in the country. I could never catch my breath. It wasn't fulfilling me. I'd moved up with people that saw me. That loved me for who I was...but I was forgotten. I'm stuck in the shadows. 

Is this my turning point? Is this my Mary or Martha moment? Am I worshipping Jesus at his feet or in the office? I continue to fight with this every day. I grew up serving the church. It had become my worship. The greatest form of worship is through your hands right?? Isn't that what we are taught? The nights I'd walk the halls and put books together, I'd meet with Jesus. I'd pray over every book, I'd pray over every seat I cleaned under. I prayed over every bag I filled, over every journal, over every shirt. It wasn't just another task. It was my time with Jesus. It was where life was breathed back into me. It was what was saving my life. 

I'd thought I had meant something. The elves meant something to the shoemaker right? After everything that they had done for him. Was it something that I had done? Was I not doing enough? Did I really have to come out of the shadows and scream that this is what I wanted to do? I thought after 13 years they'd remember me. That this is what I needed to breathe. Is it really their fault though? Is it my fault for staying in the shadows? Was I even ready to come out? Am I too broken? Am I too damaged to be seen? 

His wounds have paid my ransom. If I obey him and keep his covenant, I will be his own special treasure from among all the people on earth. I am seen. My calling and my worth are not meant to be based off of each other. I am worth something no matter what. Yes, I love doing events, yes, it is my calling, but that doesn't change my relationship with Jesus. I can be Mary and Martha.